The biggest discovery in my recovery came much later than I would’ve hoped, likely because I was a troublesome student in my own right. I had enough distractions, and I created enough chaos to miss the simplicity of what I’m about to explain to you.
Throughout my recovery, which started when I was 15 years old, I believed that in order to be happy, I had to work through every single issue, every wound, every feeling of hurt and disappointment that I was carrying. At age 15, I already knew—having attended these very adult 12-step meetings to deal with childhood trauma—that my mother and father hadn’t done such a great job of ensuring that I was mentally healthy or had good behavioral patterns. I was a product of their addictive cycles and their unresolved childhood traumas.
The problem was that for the next 30 years of my recovery, I relied on logic to make myself healthy. To some degree, this approach had its benefits—I managed to stay sober and alive. I achieved some measurable successes in life. By general standards, I was a good person. I didn’t cheat, steal, or lie. But I wouldn’t say that I truly captured the essence of happiness in my efforts. No matter what I did, I continued to make impulsive decisions, struggled with primary addictions, and often woke up with a sense of anxiety. Mental obsessions would come and go, and my equilibrium was tied to whether I was making money, staying distracted, maintaining a relationship, getting enough exercise, or keeping up with my diet. By most people’s standards, this might seem great. Perhaps I kept myself partially asleep by believing that if I just had enough material things and fulfilled my desires, I’d feel good inside. I also held onto the belief that I was still working through my childhood issues in therapy. But I wasn’t quite reaching the destination. There was something below the surface, still pushing up and making me uncomfortable.
I suppose some of this is natural because we’re human beings, and life is full of volatile circumstances. There will be moments when you don’t get what you want, times when you’re surrounded by people you don’t like, and instances when you’re separated from those you love. There will be times when the people you love suffer, and you’ll share in that suffering. Even if I manage to navigate all of that, I still have to confront my own stressors—my aging, my occasional lower back pain. I have to get along with my children, my stepchildren, my wife, and my business partners. I have to take the subway in the morning, standing on a crowded train. These are all things that, whether we like it or not, distract the mind from being in a calm state. My big discovery was realizing that working on this was crucial. I thought I was ready for it, but I had no idea this was the key to happiness.
- I had no idea that I rarely lived in the present moment. Since I was young, I had developed a habit of shifting my thoughts to the future, which manifested as worry and anticipation. I wasn’t excited; I was concerned. Alternatively, I would dwell too much on the past. And if I wasn’t lost in the past or the future, I was likely caught in a tornado of thoughts. I didn’t realize how turbulent my mind was, but it had been shaped that way since early childhood. Frequent traumatic experiences, a lack of successful bonding with my mother, and witnessing my parents’ addictive behaviors all contributed to a chaotic environment. My brain patterns were disrupted from an early age and were all over the place.
- As a result of my inability to control where my mind would focus, I often found myself in these other mental states instead of the present moment. I was excitable and reactionary all the time.
- I wasn’t addressing the most important aspect of self-help: breath control and creating mental relaxation when triggered. I have to admit, I was triggered into anxiety constantly. I used substances like coffee, food, and even refined sugar to try to alter my brain chemistry, but it never worked. I sought adrenaline rushes, impulsivity, and excitement, and even put myself in dangerous situations to distract myself from the deep-rooted feelings of anxiety and lack of control.
It didn’t matter much that I had low self-esteem or that I was lonely my entire life, even in relationships. At the core of my existence, loneliness was the pattern I had created in childhood. During the most important decade of my life, ages 0 to 10, I was lonely. That became the pattern I was stuck in. From ages 10 to 20, I didn’t have any significant accomplishments in sports or academics. I didn’t have healthy friendships, and my parents weren’t supportive of my successes. I spent those years wandering aimlessly, trying to make myself feel better. After getting sober at 15, I cycled through every possible addiction—eating issues, spending issues, relationship issues. I was an adrenaline junkie involved in dangerous sports for at least 20 years, and I created a false personality to mask my discomfort.
My progress began eight years ago when I was 47. I was nearing the end of a relationship that wasn’t working for a variety of reasons, but now there was a child involved. I was devastated that I had failed again to create the kind of relationship I believed would make me feel better. I was completely unaware of what I was creating in these relationships. The various difficulties in my life, including the end of that relationship, (the separation from yet another failed relationship), left me with only one choice: start praying regularly and attempting to meditate. Meditation had been a recurring theme throughout my long history in twelve-step recovery. I even started going to yoga again, trying to calm my mind.
This time, I was showing up daily, and it made a difference. Instead of going to the gym and punching and kicking the bag for two hours until my shins were aching, I was going to yoga and focusing on breathing.
Something significant happened shortly after I left that relationship—a wonderful, beautiful woman appeared in my life. I didn’t hesitate to start talking to her, and our first date was a yoga class. She too fell in love with yoga, and our relationship created space for both of our paths to grow together. For the next eight years, we practiced yoga, but we hit some low points too.
I shifted more and more attention to my breathing exercises and meditation without a yoga class. It became my primary form of relief, and I committed to deep breathing exercises 7 days a week.
Although I didn’t have a major breakthrough immediately, a more profound one came when I started to understand how the central nervous system works. Someone introduced me to the science behind the brain, trauma, anxiety, and the power of breath, relaxation, and thought control. The first concept in neuroscience that I understood and could relate to was the brain’s two modes of operation.
The first mode is the parasympathetic nervous system, which is associated with a relaxed state. This state is usually present when we are eating, socializing, or simply feeling content and relaxed. In this mode, our heart rate is normal, and we are truly present in the moment, where reality exists. In this parasympathetic mode, there can be no addictive responses, no insanity, no reactionary explosive arguments, and no depression.
There are an infinite number of prompts, triggers, or stimuli that can flip a switch in our brain. When this happens, the logical, relaxed portion of our brain shuts off, and all our thinking and reactions shift into the fight-or-flight mode, known as the sympathetic nervous system. In this state, we are ready to react, defend ourselves, or run away. The sympathetic nervous system causes us to obsess over any perceived threat or problem until it’s resolved, even if the danger is only imagined.
In the sympathetic state, we experience a cocktail of chemicals that make us uncomfortable and accelerate our biochemical reactions. Our heart rate increases, we’re more likely to sweat, and we might feel the urgent need to use the bathroom. We become reactionary, driven to protect our fragile ego. In this state, we may say nasty things, think negative thoughts, and devise ways to "smash our enemies." It is in the sympathetic brain state that much of mankind's craziness occurs. Unfortunately, we often allow those operating in this mode to rule the world.
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In the sympathetic brain, we often find ourselves reliving the behavior patterns we developed early in life, or those we observed in our parents or society. It’s an older, more instinctive part of the brain, searching for reflexive reactions that aren’t truly there because we’re not purely instinctual creatures.
When we operate in the sympathetic mode, our breath becomes shallow, reducing the amount of oxygen in our blood and, consequently, in our brain. This diminishes our thinking skills while our body dumps hormones like cortisol, a painkiller, and adrenaline, which enhances strength. If we remain in this state of mind long enough, it becomes our default chemical pattern, trapping us in this mode. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was living in the sympathetic nervous system for most of my life, even as an adult. Many of my adult accomplishments were achieved in that sympathetic mode.
It wasn’t enough for me to simply read about this in a textbook. I experienced it in real-time during my hot yoga practice. When you get on that mat in 107° heat and try to hold those postures for 90 minutes, your heart rate inevitably increases, and you enter panic mode. In the beginning, you lose your balance and have to sit down to catch your breath. It was in those moments that I realized if I could just get enough oxygen to my brain through deep breathing, I could continue. But distractions and triggers would cause me to forget, and I’d lose my focus, forget to breathe, and find myself falling to my knees, unable to continue.
The key was to block out unnecessary thoughts and keep my mind focused on breathing. When I did this, I stayed relaxed and calm. My movements became more fluid, and I began to enjoy the postures, the exercise, and the soothing heat. The relaxation came from the breath, from being able to block out anxiety-inducing thoughts. I was experiencing this firsthand, and I felt its truth.
Even that alone wasn’t enough to change my consciousness forever or bring me into a perfect state of bliss. The yoga mat was just a flight simulator, a place to practice a new habit—breathing deeply whenever I felt anxious, which was several times a day, if not constantly.
For a few years, I went through some turbulent times with my wife. Whenever something in our relationship triggered a negative feeling in me, I would automatically take deep breaths. I had been training myself in this pattern during my daily yoga practice. Through those deep breaths, I learned to control my immediate reactions. I would step away, write, and relax myself. I wasn’t reacting the way I used to—this breathing practice was finally working.
Naturally, I pursued even more knowledge on the subject. I finally had the tools I needed to confront my childhood. I hadn’t realized that one reason I avoided working on those issues for so many years was because it triggered anxiety and made my situation worse.
Back then, I simply didn’t have the tools to stay focused on developing my character and healing.
I don’t feel embarrassed about experiencing anxiety; I feel human. Over the last few years, through my businesses and living in New York City, I’ve met hundreds of people, and one of the quickest ways to connect with strangers is by discussing how people deal with anxiety. I’ve come to the conclusion that nearly everyone experiences anxiety at an intense level and often relies on coping mechanisms that aren’t precise. I’ve also learned that it doesn’t matter how much money you have or how outwardly successful you are—you can still struggle with debilitating forms of anxiety. Many people take pharmaceutical drugs to try to control the problem, but they often don’t look deeper. I have compassion for that because they simply don’t know which door to open to find relief. It’s made me realize how much we all suffer from anxiety and how fixable it can be.
This understanding is especially valuable to young people in their teens who can grasp some of the technical details. If I can help a young person understand that they can control their reactions and stay out of the sympathetic brain no matter what’s happening, it’s like empowering them with something invaluable. The problem is that it requires work—it doesn’t just happen overnight.
It takes time to develop and change the patterns in our chemistry and thoughts. Let’s break it down into stages. The first stage is not being cynical about whether this stuff works. We have to practice and notice when we feel relaxed. If deep breathing really helps us relax and makes us feel good, we’ll eventually be drawn to it and continue doing it. The longer we practice, the easier it becomes to control our reactions.
Let me explain how to breathe. It starts with nasal breathing. The nasal passage is the correct breathing apparatus for animals like us. The nose has filtration systems, like hair and mucus, to capture pathogens, pollen, and dust. If we breathe through the mouth, those things go straight to the throat and into the lungs, weakening our immune system. We should only breathe through the mouth if our nasal passages are congested.
In the beginning, there are two types of beneficial breathing exercises. One is a long, slow, deep breath that usually lasts for about six seconds. You hold your breath at the top for one or two seconds, then exhale slowly for six seconds through your nose, if possible. If you can manage to do five of these breaths in a row, that’s great; you might need ten depending on what’s going on. It’s usually easier to achieve this slow, deep breathing when you’re in a relatively calm state, without explosions and drama happening around you.
However, when we’re already triggered—maybe hurt, or dealing with other triggers like hunger, fatigue, heat, fear, financial insecurity, loneliness, and more—our minds can easily go into panic mode. In this state, the mind becomes wild and resistant to logical, intelligent actions like breathing deeply. That’s when the second exercise comes in: short, sharp exhales through the nose, using your abdominal muscles to forcefully expel the air. Don’t worry about the inhalation—it’ll happen naturally. Doing this for about 20 seconds, followed by a long, slow, deep breath, can actually help relax you.
But be mindful—after calming yourself with these exercises, you can easily trigger yourself again if you allow your thoughts to return to something negative that doesn’t serve the situation. In fact, no negative thought serves any situation. A positive solution or a positive plan of action is what truly serves us, but we can’t reach that state if we’re stuck in our reactionary brain and suffering from anxiety.
We can’t break free from old patterns—those we learned from people around us—if we keep reverting to them. You know the breathing exercises are working when you don’t automatically return to the fight or obsess over the trigger point. If you do find yourself slipping back, return to your breath. Repeat this process over and over until your heart rate normalizes. Once calm, you’re ready to solve your problems without resorting to destructive reactions or addictive behavior patterns.
Addictive behaviors are self-destructive and often harmful to others. Our goal is to overcome these destructive patterns and addictions. We’re trying to preserve our lives by reducing anxiety and the harmful chemicals it produces in our bodies. We overdose on chemicals like cortisol and adrenaline—these chemicals have their place, but they’re not meant to be constantly flooding our systems, and there are serious side effects if they do.
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You’ll know you’re improving if you keep showing up for these breathing exercises and start journaling instead of shouting, yelling, or becoming depressed and imploding with negativity. It’s a practice, and you have to choose to do it, especially when you’re feeling down, poorly, or caught in an addiction. You still have to make the choice to do it. If you do, this is the silver bullet everyone is looking for—it’s better than anything else.