How important is it for people to find peace and quiet each and every day to create tranquility in their minds? This task is undoubtedly more challenging when you live in an inner city, surrounded by the constant noise of fire engines, trucks, and the hustle and bustle of people. For those who live near train stations or commute on subways, the noise can be unbearable. We then arrive at our jobs, where the stress of simply being somewhere on time adds to the pressure.
When you combine this with a lack of sunlight, spending time inside artificial structures, wearing clothing that suppresses our wild nature, and the loneliness, financial insecurity, and political instability we face, it’s no wonder we struggle. The crime on the streets, parking tickets, and the unsettling presence of strangers can trigger our fears and biases, bringing to the surface our insecurities and confusion about the future. All these factors can leave us feeling disoriented and overwhelmed.
If you can close your eyes and grasp the reality of the globe you're sitting on—how it's oriented in space, how it moves, and how it's surrounded by vastness—you're ahead by a lot. Not that it’s a competition, but it’s a marker of spiritual development. Yet, in the midst of all this confusion, we become over-identified with our struggles, separating everything in a way that makes sense only to us, and this separation can prevent us from finding relaxation.
If we could just view ourselves as small alien creatures on our home planet in the year 2024, living in a body, thinking about our relationships, it might change our perspective. What have you done for yourself to prepare for navigating this life? Do you groom yourself, do you build qualities that would attract others romantically?
Throughout this book, I talk about meditation, breathing, and finding both physical and mental relaxation. These things are easier said than done, but that’s why you’re reading a self-help book—to remind yourself of these practices. I wrote this to remind myself as well.
As we delve deeper into relationship work, we may dredge up issues from our past, which can cause anxiety and discomfort. Some people feel like they’re "losing their mind" when they become aware of their addictive behaviors and stop them, no longer having distractions to anesthetize their feelings or mask their true anxieties.
In this stage of growth, we will vacillate between the old way of reacting—fueling anxiety without awareness—and a new way of thinking, where we recognize anxiety and use deep breathing to control our reactions. Each breath becomes an opportunity to identify whether a negative thought has crept in, and to gently push it away, like a child releasing a helium balloon. Consciousness is equipped to observe a thought and send it on its way without being drawn into its negative spiral.
It's fair to say that people can be divided into two groups: those who can work on themselves and improve, and those who cannot. For me, the most crucial aspect of self-help is the redirection of negative thoughts. While it’s not the only thing we need to work on, constant engagement with negativity can become unbearably distracting. Sensitive individuals might even be affected by negative music without realizing it, worsening their situation.
Evolution is a powerful model for understanding how our minds and bodies have formed over eons. However, as creatures of free will and intelligence, we are not always resilient enough to handle the traumas and disappointments we encounter. Our delicate nature, coupled with flawed parenting as a species, has led to a world filled with troubled people. This has become so normalized that it’s like we’re all in prison together.
When we first enter relationships, we’re often seeking happiness and fulfillment. The ecstatic feelings of love, romance, and connection are so intoxicating that we endure significant suffering to find them. Yet, once the initial phase of infatuation passes, we are confronted with our deepest, most difficult emotions once again. The mind processes these emotions in a way that often triggers our old wounds.
The mind is a relentless machine, designed to think constantly, from birth until death. It seeks out existential problems and tries to solve them with the least effort. Due to our unique childhood circumstances, our minds may focus on problems rather than beauty, unable to see the sunset, the trees, or smell the roses. This habitual framing of life stems from our predispositions, diet, activity levels, and early experiences.
An anxious brain becomes limited, seeing the world only as it unfolds outside of us. Instead of managing our inner turbulence, we try to change the outer world to find peace. This is a distortion of our design—we are meant to reflect inwardly, resolve crises through contemplation, experience, teachings, and common sense. But something isn’t working for the majority of humanity. Perhaps it’s because we don’t spend the first ten years of our education focusing on understanding anxiety and finding cures. If children were taught about the mind, deep breathing, relaxation, and controlling reactivity from an early age, they might be better prepared for life.
As we develop the ability to recognize anxiety and use breathing to manage stress, we slowly open ourselves to new ways of reacting. A new reaction might be to demonstrate patience and poise, to not react immediately, but to give situations time and space. In a more relaxed state, we begin to see that some of our mental structures—belief systems and behavior patterns—are irrational, formed in the fear brain and perpetuated as habits and quirks. Addictive behaviors, for example, are such quirks, developed as defense mechanisms and carried with us for life unless we recognize and work to improve them.
Self-improvement requires more than meditation and breathing alone. While a monk devoted to these practices might find peace, most of us need a more involved approach. We will need to dive deep into psychology and research to repair the damages to our character. Self-improvement is a comprehensive process, and it involves addressing not just our thoughts, but our entire being.