Throughout the journey of writing about relationships, I've stumbled upon profound insights into the tangled web of relationship struggles. It was within these pages, and in the process of exploring addiction, that I truly grasped the immense power anxiety holds over our lives. This realization compels me to discuss it often, hoping to unravel its mysteries and bring it into the light of understanding.
One crucial revelation we must confront is that anxiety is not born within our intimate relationships; it is carried with us, a shadow that precedes love and partnership. Our partners, too, bring their own anxieties, woven from different threads yet leading to the same outcome: a life steeped in stress, where we are often puppets to our subconscious fears. This is simply the nature of the mind, whether we accept it or resist it.
I've gathered a few thoughts for us to reflect on, to help us decide if we too are already an anxious soul, with reactions and behaviors shaped by this often hidden force.
At some point in our life—perhaps even now—we may find ourselves caught in a web of obsessive thoughts and addictive behaviors. We all bear the scars of past traumas, carrying them with us into adulthood, like invisible baggage. Our partners, knowingly or not, press those invisible buttons of imagined threats, stirring frustration within us.
We crave control, desiring things done our way, seeking freedom while demanding the relationship be perfectly aligned with our needs in the moment. We blame the world for the turmoil within, rarely considering how we might be the ones fraying nerves. We notice every time they irritate us, yet remain blind to how we might do the same. In the grip of anxiety, compromise becomes a distant concept, and empathy, a forgotten skill.
We lament what our partners don’t do, but rarely pause to examine our own shortcomings. Complaints flow more freely than praise, and we withhold love when disappointment settles in. Time seems to slip through our fingers, and we cling to material comforts, searching for solace in possessions beyond our basic needs.
When life’s pressures create a storm of anxiety, our minds latch onto distractions, obsessing over minor issues to avoid facing deeper fears. A simple argument can balloon into a monstrous problem, driven by the mind's need for diversion. We become rigid, feeling out of control, triggered into a state of fight or flight, teetering on the edge.
There is wisdom to be found in reflection—countless moments to meditate on, revealing the patterns of thought and behavior born of anxiety. I keep an anxiety calendar, tearing it up at the end of each month. Each day, I jot down what triggered my anxiety and how I sought to dispel it. Over the course of a year, I uncovered the subtle causes: boredom, lack of sunlight, missed exercise. Even something as simple as a hot day can send a wave of unease through me, setting off minor alarms in a mind already on high alert. When a real threat appears in a relationship, it’s as if I’m a keg of dynamite, just waiting for the fuse to be lit.
My internal reactions remain my own, but I’m striving to change them because I no longer wish to dwell in pain and suffering. I want to respond differently to the life circumstances I've chosen, rather than trying to manipulate them into something they're not. I long to flow with the rhythm of time on this planet, rather than resist what is. These are the life lessons that span a lifetime—or perhaps, if there is such a thing as an afterlife, it may take ten lifetimes to learn. Or it may take just fifteen minutes.
If we revisit this chapter and commit to sitting in meditation every day, breathing with the purpose of relaxation, we might begin to change our reactions in this lifetime. We might end much of the unnecessary suffering if we choose. Picking up writing like this is almost an automatic choice to strive for something better within ourselves. Some may read it thinking of how it might improve their partner, wishing they would only understand these concepts. But instead, as we read, think of it only for ourselves and our own journey of improvement.
The path to improvement lies in action and continuous practice. Approach our self-help, our recovery, our feelings of anxiety, and our relationships as if they were athletic events where we’re aiming to win the gold medal at the end of our lives. To excel in this, all we need to do is rise early each morning and practice. Practice reading, practice our exercises, practice our breathing, practice changing our diet, practice saying we’re sorry, practice patience, practice prayer, practice being more and more self aware, practice therapy, practice writing, practice headstands, LOL, practice sit-ups, practice driving—practice everything that matters in life and cultivates freedom from mental suffering.
In doing so, we’ll certainly find greater success. Discover our anxieties, trace them to their source, and practice the art of relaxation.