The triggered mind is mysterious—like having a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde within us. When we are triggered, we shift into the Mr. Hyde state, a reactive and primal mindset. Our perception of time changes, our physical responses can shift, and our ability to organize thoughts in a rational way becomes impaired. It's as if an entirely different personality emerges, one that operates on instinct rather than awareness.
Common Triggers in Intimate Relationships
One of the most powerful triggers in relationships is the feeling of disrespect. But what does "disrespect" actually mean to us? It is deeply tied to our sense of self-worth and self-esteem. When we feel disrespected, it often means that something has attacked our perception of our own value.
Our partners have direct access to this sensitive part of us. If we already struggle with low self-esteem, everything and everyone can feel like a threat—even a stranger cutting us off in traffic can ignite a fight-or-flight response. In relationships, our partners metaphorically “honk their horn” all the time, unintentionally triggering our wounds and challenging our sense of self-worth.
At some point, we must take responsibility for our self-esteem. If we don’t, we will continue to be triggered by every perceived slight, stuck in a reactive state that keeps us in chronic stress. Healing takes time and effort. We must reflect on the experiences that damaged our self-esteem and rebuild it by engaging in self-affirming actions. In the meantime, we must learn to regulate our reactions, or we will live in a constant state of emotional volatility.
Childhood Patterns and Relationship Triggers
Another major reason we get triggered in relationships is that our partners unknowingly remind us of childhood experiences that were painful. These could be moments of rejection, lack of love, smothering, abandonment, or neglect. We may even adopt behaviors from our parents, unconsciously mimicking the patterns we observed growing up.
For instance, if our mother was distant or passive-aggressive toward our father, we may unintentionally replicate that behavior in our own relationships. We are creatures of mimicry—sometimes, despite our best efforts, we repeat patterns simply because they are familiar.
The Destructive Habit of Judgment
One of the most damaging behaviors in relationships is the silent accumulation of resentment, fueled by constant judgment. Often, we judge our partners as a projection of our own insecurities and defects. We also judge in an attempt to mold our partner into someone who makes us feel safe—a role they can never fully satisfy. The result? We never truly allow ourselves to feel secure because no one can measure up to our impossible expectations.
To break free from judgment, we must first become aware that we are doing it. Judgment is addictive—it distracts us from the present moment and keeps us from fully experiencing love and happiness. When we constantly assess and critique our partner, we trap ourselves in an anxious state that blocks intimacy and connection.
The Overloaded Nervous System and Relationship Friction
Stress from external factors—work, finances, parenting, physical discomfort—accumulates in the body and mind. When we add unresolved relationship tension to the mix, the nervous system can reach a breaking point. For some, this manifests as an emotional shutdown; for others, it leads to extreme mood swings.
The body's chemistry plays a crucial role in this. The vagus nerve, which connects to nearly every major organ, helps regulate emotional states. When dysregulated, it creates patterns of extreme highs and lows—one week we feel euphoric, the next we’re overwhelmed by stress and frustration. This cycle of emotional instability is a closed loop: thoughts influence feelings, feelings affect the body, and the body in turn impacts thoughts. Unless we find a way to interrupt this loop, we remain trapped in cycles of reactivity.
The key to breaking free is awareness and consistent practice. Breathwork, physical movement, and meditation help regulate the nervous system and create space for conscious choice rather than automatic reaction. In real-life situations, we must train ourselves to return to the breath, or we will remain stuck in our patterns.
Choosing Love Over Judgment
To cultivate a lasting, fulfilling relationship, we must shift our focus from judgment to love. Instead of constantly evaluating our partners, we must immerse ourselves in connection—touch, tenderness, eye contact, laughter, and intimacy. Every moment is an opportunity to embrace and cherish the person we love.
Focusing on negativity only leads to unhappiness and the eventual breakdown of the relationship. Not everyone will take the path of self-awareness and improvement—many remain unconscious, repeating destructive cycles and passing their unresolved wounds onto others. But true enlightenment lies in breaking the cycle, in choosing to grow rather than to remain trapped.
The Root of Anxiety and Negativity
Anxiety is a deeply ingrained part of the human experience. It is influenced by genetics, environment, and collective consciousness. Negativity and complaint can become addictive, forming as early as age three or four when a child begins reacting to perceived threats and frustrations. If trauma interrupts healthy emotional growth, these tendencies can persist into adulthood.
The anxious mind struggles whether alone or with others. It can experience moments of clarity, but more often, it is triggered, caught in loops of stress and worry.
The Unique Power of Human Awareness
One of the most fascinating aspects of human consciousness is our ability to observe ourselves. Unlike other creatures, we can step outside our habitual reactions and examine our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. This capacity for self-reflection gives us the power to break free from conditioned responses.
However, when we fail to do so, we act destructively—both towards ourselves and the world around us. Humanity’s destructive tendencies mirror the behavior of cancer cells: insecure at first, but growing unchecked until they consume the very organism they depend on. Without awareness, we risk becoming like cancer—devouring resources, harming relationships, and ultimately destroying ourselves.
Breaking Free from the Loop
The only way out of this self-destructive cycle is conscious effort. We must cultivate awareness, regulate our emotions, and take responsibility for our well-being. Healing requires breath, movement, and a commitment to presence. When we shift our focus from judgment and reactivity to love and connection, we transform not only our relationships but our entire experience of life.
Life is fragile. Don’t waste it on negativity. Embrace love while you can.