Personal transformation is a challenging journey that requires deep psychological work—grieving, reflecting, recognizing patterns, taking responsibility for our mistakes, and making amends. It involves confronting the harm inflicted upon us in our early years and feeling the pain and sadness that fuel our subconscious anxieties. True liberation comes from acknowledging these wounds within us. While we may never fully heal from our deepest pains, simply recognizing and accepting them can often be enough to lead us into the light.
I strongly feel, though it's not scientifically proven, that a key weakness of couples counseling often lies in the urgent nature of relationship problems, which seem to demand immediate solutions. Counseling that focuses first on unconscious drives and the subtleties of negotiating conflict often misses the mark when it comes to addressing the five most commonly reported issues causing relationship conflict:
- Communication Issues: Poor communication is a prevalent problem, including misunderstandings, lack of openness, passive-aggressive behavior, and difficulty expressing feelings or listening effectively. When partners struggle to communicate their needs and concerns, it often leads to resentment and conflict.
- Trust Issues: Trust is essential in a healthy relationship. When trust is broken—through infidelity, dishonesty, or secrecy—it is incredibly challenging to rebuild. Trust issues can also stem from insecurities, past traumas, or a lack of transparency, leading to jealousy, anxiety, and suspicion.
- Financial Conflicts: Money is frequently a major source of stress in relationships. Differences in spending habits, financial priorities, or income disparities can create tension. Disagreements over budgeting, debt, saving, or financial goals can strain the partnership.
- Intimacy and Sexual Issues: Problems related to physical intimacy, such as mismatched libidos, lack of emotional connection, or dissatisfaction, can cause significant stress. These issues often arise from poor communication, unresolved emotional conflicts, or underlying physical or psychological conditions.
- Compatibility and Lifestyle Differences: Over time, partners may realize they have different values, goals, or lifestyles. Differences in how each person wants to spend time, approach parenting, or handle life challenges can lead to conflicts. Finding common ground is crucial for maintaining a healthy relationship.
The underlying driver of these common issues is that each serves as a trigger for anxiety, leading to a range of problematic reactions. This should be the initial focus in counseling. Relationships can activate every anxiety point we have, so why not prioritize managing anxiety, employing relaxation techniques, addressing reactivity, and developing alternative behavior patterns?
With all due respect to the modern psychology industry, it seems the current paradigm in psychoanalysis does not prioritize breathing practices, perhaps because Western philosophy lags a millennium or two behind in techniques for ending suffering. In other words, the classic Western, science-based approach does not typically emphasize breathing and meditation as foundational—establishing new patterns before diving deep into family-of-origin issues, relational skills, purging resentment, and fostering meaningful connections. Psychotherapy often puts the cart before the horse by exploring the shadow self without first teaching us how to breathe and relax. When patients in couples therapy finally understand the mental systems that control and anchor them in addictive behaviors and thought patterns, and when they learn to control their reactions through effective breathwork and focus, it becomes more feasible to delve into more complex neuroses.
It is not appropriate to attempt this solely in a yoga class without the context of our relationship triggers and anxieties. Learning meditation and spiritual concepts is beneficial, but it may not have the same immediate impact as a therapist guiding a couple to recognize their shifts between fight-or-flight and relaxation. The therapist should assist in triggering individuals in counseling and helping them breathe their way back to a state of calm, enabling them to communicate in a non-reactive, compassionate manner. While this approach may not resolve all the deeper issues lurking in the darkness of each individual’s psyche, it at least provides the groundwork for more mature behavior and reactions—at least in some cases. It depends on how "broken" the couple is; some people, unfortunately, cling to their anxiety, conflict, and suffering and cannot surrender them. It's also possible that a therapist might be unaware of this aspect, especially if they lack their own relaxation practice. It’s hard to offer something you don’t possess, even with clinical training.
Learning standard relationship skills in therapy is undoubtedly valuable. Understanding psychological dynamics can help clarify the issues at hand. Even if a relationship ends, counseling can promote personal growth and prepare us for future relationships.
From my own experience, I know that counseling can be a slow process, working subtly in the background of a relationship, and it may not always save it in time.
I suggest that counseling should focus more on identifying personal and shared anxiety triggers and understanding the nervous system—specifically, the balance between the parasympathetic and sympathetic states. A direct approach, incorporating breathing exercises, personal development, overcoming addictions, and fostering character growth, could be universally beneficial. If this type of character development through meditation training and practice became central to relationship counseling, I believe it would have a more immediate and positive impact. Click Here for Top Relationship Counseling Approaches