Why do relationships, including our own, often seem to bring out the worst in us? Why do people change over time, often becoming someone different from the person we initially fell in love with? It’s important to remember that if you’re feeling this way, your partner likely is too. This negativity frequently rises to the surface for both people, and most relationships struggle to move beyond this cycle of unconscious behavior. Sadly, this is often how we remember our ex-partners—through a negative lens.
One reason for this negativity is that certain aspects of romantic relationships—romance, chemistry, dependency, intimacy, fears, attachment, and love—introduce dynamics that don’t exist with family or friends. As these sensations intensify, the risk of emotional injury and psychological distress increases. For many of us who carry childhood wounds, these emotional complexities can easily be triggered and amplified by the relationship, making dependency on another person feel both risky and confusing.
These confusing feelings manifest in various ways, particularly for those with unresolved issues. They might include fragile egos, heightened sensitivity to criticism, panic attacks, fear of the unknown, claustrophobia, compulsive behaviors, retaliatory actions when hurt, excessive judgment of partners, and even narcissistic tendencies. These behaviors often trace back to early childhood experiences and traumas, though the specific reasons vary from person to person. What’s most important is recognizing your own behavior patterns and identifying if they align with these traits. This awareness is the first step toward understanding and healing.
You may have developed coping mechanisms unique to you that don't fit into a predefined list but still resonate with your personal tendencies. Relationships often bring about transformations in both partners, and the first shift may involve the surfacing of the worst parts of ourselves. These tendencies may be rooted in influences from our parents, teachers, or other figures from our past. By now, they’ve become part of our personalities, and we must take responsibility for them.
In relationships, unresolved aspects of ourselves will inevitably surface. If we don't work to address or heal them, they will continue to trigger conflict, no matter how promising the relationship initially seemed. To reduce conflict with a partner, we must first resolve the conflicts within ourselves. We often believe that relationship issues stem from incompatibility, but more often than not, the real issue is the unresolved conflict within each individual, which projects outward into the relationship.
Anxiety and tension are deeply rooted within us. We are inherently anxious beings, as anxiety serves as one of our survival mechanisms. It doesn’t just affect our mental state; it impacts our entire body, from facial expressions to muscle tension and even physical sensations like pain. While our bodies are incredibly complex, we don’t have an automatic, self-correcting system for psychological wounds. This is where the importance of conscious effort, such as reading, self-awareness, and therapy, comes in.
Although we don’t operate entirely on autopilot, many of us exercise very little free will. We do have moments of clarity—like being under a parachute in an airstream—where we can't change direction but can shift our perspective. These moments of enlightenment, where we are free from reactivity, allow us to slow down and become attuned to the world around us.
When the mind and body are truly present, we are in a Higher State of Consciousness, fear and conflict dissipate. The conflict buried in the subconscious may feel real, but often, it is a result of revisiting old wounds and patterns. These negative loops prevent us from embracing the healing potential that a loving relationship with a capable partner can offer. It’s not up to any expert to tell you whether you’re with the right person—only you can decide that. Others can provide insight, but understanding your inner self is like piecing together a complex puzzle.
Modern life rarely allows for the patience needed to work through these feelings. We expect quick results, but emotional growth requires time and space. It takes patience to allow your partner to evolve and to give yourself the grace to recognize how anxiety affects your body, mood, and communication.
For those who grew up with damaged self-esteem, it can be difficult to admit flaws, as this may feel like an additional blow to fragile self-worth. However, true strength comes from accepting that we all have imperfections, and striving for perfection is an impossible standard. Don’t expect it from yourself or your partner.
In relationships, vulnerabilities are exposed, and old subconscious memories are triggered. These may not appear as they once did, but they will bring up feelings of hurt, anger, and rejection—often linked to how the adults in our lives were too anxious or absent to provide the presence we needed as children.
This doesn’t mean that humanity hasn’t progressed. We’ve made significant strides in understanding relationships and communication. But healing childhood patterns and awakening to self-recovery is a personal journey, and relationships can serve as catalysts for this transformation. However, some people hesitate when faced with the leap into intimacy and self-awareness. The defenses we’ve built are difficult to dismantle, but they can be addressed with time and effort.
By speaking to our inner child and mind as The Higher Consciousness, we can lead ourselves forward. Acknowledging that past experiences weren’t our fault and recognizing the Higher Consciousness can help us reclaim conscious control of our lives. Awakening the mind allows us to break free from automatic, reactive behavior, giving us the power to direct our lives with intention.
Therapy, journaling, and self-reflection can help us identify triggers and commit to letting go of negative behaviors. It’s a process that requires personal effort, much like the journey of someone in recovery from addiction. By taking small steps toward healing, we can transform ourselves—from individuals stuck in reactive patterns to those capable of love, compassion, and understanding.